All of my posts on this blog so far have been craft or food related but, originally I intended for this blog to cover cleaning hacks and lifestyle information as well. Today, I will not be giving you the latest craft that we have put together or tried. I won't be telling you an awesome homemade meal or dessert, I'm going to break the ice, or should I say crack the glass and deal with a more important issue. People taking care of themselves!
What happens when there is a crack in a glass? Whether it be a water glass, a wine glass or a shot glass, when it cracks the contents are bound to come out. For this analogy let's use a wine glass. At first you probably won't notice a crack or break of any kind. You will keep on using it, drinking from it, washing it, repeat. After a while, you finally start to see said hairline crack but know that it's not leaking so you keep on using it. After all, it's your favorite glass. It's beautiful, does what you need it to, is always there waiting and never fails. Several more uses later, that crack is much more noticeable. Still not leaking, you decide to use it one more time.
That's when it happens. You pour your favorite Chardonnay in, raise it to your lips and feel the liquid run down your fingers. It's finally leaking but, not much so you continue to drink away possibly quicker this time. Time for a refill. You fill it just to the bottom of the crack so you can happily drink without it spilling out but every time you drink from it, it pours out onto your silk blouse.
Cursing at the broken glass, you toss it in the trash and fetch another one off of the rack. After all, it may be your favorite but it is just an object that you can replace at any time.
Now, let's change that analogy up.
You are that glass. You give and give every day, night, holiday, weekend, etc. to those who need it. Use, wash, repeat. You see no other glass being used, just you. You used to be beautiful. You used to be useful. You used to be strong but after years of giving over and over you are starting to lose the glow in your face. Your smile starts to fade. Laugh lines turn to stress lines. Your hair is thinning, you're gaining weight, you can't sleep yet can't stay awake. Your mind and body are being overworked but you can't stop because people need you...rely on you to hold their drink, or lives in this case. And just like that glass...you start to crack.
It's never a full mental breakdown like people seem to think. It's little things that you start to notice. You lose your interest in certain T.V. shows or movies. You stray away from social media, the phone and/or emails. You stop doing what you love whether that be reading, writing, crafts, painting, nails, hair, etc. You stop exercising because everything hurts and plus, you never have the time. Any small break you do have consists of some mind numbing game on your smartphone or staring out the window.
Before you know it, you shut down. Not in a crying on the floor not able to move type of way but, more so in a silent way. You stop talking. Not entirely, that would be dumb and you know everyone would say something. Instead, you continue with your days and nights, talk about bills, homework, housework, school and anything the kids or your husband want to talk about. You stop reaching out to family or friends because you know that if you told them all of your problems 1) it would take way too long and 2) you don't want to burden them. The fact here is, there's nothing anyone can do to fix it anyway. Instead of putting it all out there like you have done time and time again...you grow silent. You post funny videos, happy status updates and go crazy with happy go lucky emojis. And in a way, you are relieved that no one notices the change in you.
Know someone like this?
I bet you do.
You might not have noticed but, they are there. Silent. Not really waiting on anything.
It could be your mom, your friend, your spouse, your neighbor or your co-worker.
It could be you.
For me, personally speaking this happened recently. Over the past several years I've gone through a huge change and have begun to see what's truly important and what wasn't. For me, my kids & husband are top priority. My close family and friends are next. I used to rant and rave almost every night about everything going on. I felt that no one listened, and if they did never said anything encouraging. For those who personally know me, don't get all bent out of shape. It gets explained.
After a while of crying out loud (sometimes literally) with no result, my brain triggered something. For one day I woke up, didn't dread the day ahead, didn't say much, didn't answer the phone and just went about my duties. I didn't speak of anything personal to family, friends or even my husband. I stayed very quiet for a while. I didn't feel I needed any help and was just fine. Numb was good.
Now, of course that feeling didn't stay. Over the next month or so it would come and go. I started to notice I would have mini outbursts where I would cry and talk a hundred miles a minute and then five minutes later I'd clam up and spend the rest of the night very silent. The ones who are closest to me and live with me (my husband and kids) noticed it. They would suggest little things like, "Mom, you don't write anymore. Why don't you write? Why don't you draw? Why don't you work on a craft? Do you want my dessert?" anything their little hearts could come up with to cheer me up. But here's the things, I wasn't sad.
For people who aren't stay at home moms or have full time kids, it can be very hard to understand when a woman (or stay at home dad) says, "I have too much to do. I don't have time. I'm exhausted even though I can't show you anything I've done all day."
And...there it is. THE phrase. THE one that everyone says at SOME point in their lives. Maybe not out loud and possibly not meaning it to be condescending but, it's there. It's in your eyes, your body language, your posts and your attitude...
"You don't work. You didn't do anything all day. Must be nice to sit and do nothing all the time but watch T.V. I'd love to stay home and sleep all the time."
Boom.
I've been a stay at home mom for years upon years. I have worked various jobs like helping my mother with her Avon business (sounds funny but it's a LOT of work), working for my father researching and creating Power Point presentations for when he did Amber Alert seminars for police officers and media personnel, and taking care of over 20 dogs and 10 cats at a sweet ladies house who took in rescue animals including assisting the Veterinarian once a week when he would come by (my previous Vet Tech training/experience came in handy with that and he constantly asked me to come work for him...that would never happen). But, you see...none of that actually matters.
Why? Mostly because no one remembers that. They see what I'm doing now but, more so because my JOB is my family.
Since hitting the "silent" phase AKA the "Cracked Glass" phase, I've done the same things every day. My mornings start by getting the kids up for school. I check the weather, check the bank account and cringe as lately it is always in the negative, check other accounts and/or PayPal to see what we have transferred so I can determine what we are eating for dinner, argue with the kids about needing jackets or not being ready on time. Get snacks if needed and drive the 8 year old to school. We MUST be there right before the doors open because, she wants to be there then and also the traffic gets horrendous only five minutes later. I get back home with ten minutes to spare before the teen boy is off for the bus. It's give or take on the three year old. Sometimes, she's wide awake. Other times, she's asleep until 9. After the teen leaves, if the toddler is still asleep I will lay back down. It never fails and I don't know why I continue to try because as soon as I drift off to sleep, she's up calling "Mommyyyyyyyyyyy," at the bedroom gate.
Next, I make her breakfast, give her milk, hand her the tablet so she can hop around singing Baby Shark at the top of her lungs while I crack open an energy drink to try to wake up and function. Oh curses, you say...energy drinks are BAD for you! Yep...a lot of things I do are. Coffee would cause an allergic reaction so therefore...shush. If I'm lucky, we might have enough for me to eat a small bowl of grits or a waffle (just butter). The rest of the morning is: feed the cats, feed the dogs, feed the rabbit...don't forget the fish, give the toddler any snack she screams for, let the dogs out, if it's raining put a towel down to collect some of the mud as I let them back in, get dressed, MAYBE (big maybe) put makeup on, make the bed, clean up poop from one of the lazy cats who hates the litter box, pick out the toddlers clothes, argue with her for twenty minutes just to get her dressed, pick up clothes strung all over the place, pick up trash in the kids bathroom, toss cups on the counter because there's no room left in the sink and somehow manage to brush my teeth. By this time, it's usually 12:30 or 1.
Afternoons: Fix the toddler lunch. She might eat it, might not...it's a gamble but got to make it anyways. Then, find my shoes, find her shoes, find her socks she threw in two separate locations, pick up something the dog is chewing on that he shouldn't, shoo the cat off of the dining room table, call toddler to put shoes on, argue again as she says no because she wants to play, shoo cat off the table again, use "loud mom scary voice" to get toddler to come get her shoes on, see cat again...give up, grab purse, get drink for toddler and tablet and un-Godly amount of toys she wants to take, close all gates so dogs can't eat cat food, drag toddler out the door to the car, sigh heavily as she runs laps around the car or yard, yell at her to get IN the car, juggle all objects while putting her buckles on, plop in the front seat, throw purse to the side and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yikes...no time for that. Too late. Drive to the store only to fight with the social butterfly toddler as she runs full speed through said store, stops and talks to EVERYONE, argue with her AND stranger on why it is not okay for her to take stuff out of their buggy (SIDE NOTE: NEVER and I mean NEVER tell a mother "Oh it's fine!" when they have just told their kid not to do something) explain to stranger that we are trying to teach her not to grab things, do double triple quadrupedal takes as toddler is still talking to stranger as you are trying to PAY for your groceries, drag toddler out of store because she thinks it's a playground, get all groceries and kid in the car, take a deep breath and sigh as you used your last $20 for pull-ups and a cheap dinner, and head to the school to sit in line for an hour to pick up the eight year old.
WHAT?! AN HOUR! Yep...she wants me in the front and it's the only time I get out of the house...so there.
Late afternoon: Get eight year old home, check homework stuff and school stuff, find another fundraiser or another reason they need money, argue with the toddler again because her sissy can't play yet, get snacks and send girls to do chores. Yep, they do chores...don't get excited. It consists of making their beds (meaning to them, yank the blanket up and walk out), collecting trash (remember?? I did that already), and picking up toys...that's on them. I don't do that anymore. After, if the weather is nice...or decent enough I take them outside to play. The entire hour or two...or four, I spend up on the deck under my canopy shade my amazing husband put up. I sit and stare as they run around and giggle (sometimes fight) and I never go down and play with them. I'm UV allergic, which I'm sure most of you know now but if you don't...I can't enjoy outside. Even on cloudy days, I'm stuck under the shade. Even then, I get sick every night.
Next, the teen boy comes home. Hear about day, find out about homework (half the time he lies about it) argue about missed homework or assignments, sigh and huff as I give up, answer 50 million questions that he has about food and games (if you don't have a teen...get ready, that's all they care about), fight with toddler to get her inside because it's either getting dark or I'm getting burnt, start washing the clothes, try to wash some dishes by hand (no dishwasher...yay...not), drink wine, start dinner, etc.
Evening: My nights are not the same every night. Some nights, my husband works late or even all night. Some nights/days he's not here at all. Gotta love military life. Sometimes it's all on me, others not. It's a hard time to switch back and forth at the drop of a hat. If he's home, he helps with whatever I need but at that point I can barely even tell him what I need help with. When he's not home...ugh, it's just...ugh. Anyways, round kids up for food, talk about their day, don't get asked about mine unless my husband asks, listen to the kids apologize (literally...this is every night), talk about what's coming up, barely eat my dinner because I'm just too tired, clean up plates, send kids off for PJ's etc.
Around 8 (hopefully...sometimes later) the girls lay down in their beds to watch tv and play on their tablets, the teen happily becomes recluse in his room to play video games and chat with his friends online and the hubs & I (or just me) fall into our chairs in our bedroom to TRY to watch an episode of anything and play games on our phones to relax. He talks about his day for about 10 minutes before we get interrupted. After that until 9-10 we are constantly up and down for the kids. After 10, we mention the bills coming due, how we can or can't pay them, come up with other solutions and grow silent as we get sucked into whatever game. Five minutes later, I'm watching the husband nod like he's on a roller coaster ride as he falls asleep holding his phone. He finally gets up, we say good night, give a smile, a little kiss and he's off to dreamland.
I don't sleep...well...not really. I do but I don't. When I do, it's filled with terrible life like nightmares or I toss and turn. I don't sleep well. On the nights I don't drink wine, I don't sleep at all. Insomnia is a terrible thing and one that comes with the UV allergy. Yay me.
This is every day/night. On and on and on. It changes only slightly from time to time. I don't go anywhere and I don't see anyone besides the few times I help by cleaning my step-father's office or helping him with research and fixing computer/website issues. I haven't had a night off or a kid free night in years because the toddler is always with us, no one will watch her....can you blame them?? She's MORE THAN A HANDFUL!
Let me guess, half of you sped read over that or skipped it altogether. I don't blame you. It's not exciting and it's a lot to read.
Catch that? A. Lot. To. Read.
It's a lot to DO. It's a lot to handle. It's a lot to deal with. It's a lot of responsibility.
Let me ask this, did you see anywhere in there (go back and read it...for real this time) where I do anything for me?
Nope. Why? Because I have other things to do and other people relying on me.
Ding ding ding! There's the bells going off in your head.
"Wait, didn't she just say you need to take care of yourself?"
Mhmm...I sure did. But, here's the issue. For the ones who stay home with their kids, have a disability, live alone, etc etc (pick which one you or your loved ones belong to) they don't get that choice. They do what they FEEL they NEED to do. It's like a never ending, don't get to clock out, 24/7 job that they don't get paid for and just like an over-used wine glass...eventually they crack.
If this is you I've been talking about...take a breath. FIND time for you. Lock yourself in your room for five minutes (the kids will be fine!), hire a babysitter (if you are lucky to be able to afford that), let them play outside while you read (or write like me!...hence how I was able to crank this blog out), or just say no once and a while to the kids and/or friends or family needing something of you. Become silent for a bit.
If this is someone you know, how can you help? There's not much BUT there are a few things you can do. If you are trusted by them, offer to take the kid(s) OUT of the house for a bit. This doesn't have to cost money, take them to your home or apartment. A change of scenery for anyone is nice. Send them a random FB message, Instachat, text or tag them in a post letting them know SIMPLY that you are thinking of them. Don't bombard them with why they haven't been talking to you, why they haven't taken you up on hanging out or offered, or why they seem really different. It's them, not you. And NEVER push them into anything. Offer, but don't push.
Bottom line and point of this whole story/blog is:
It's okay to crack.
Everyone needs to now and then. Stress of life can get to the best of every one and each person needs to learn to say no, tune out and focus on what's best for their mind, body & spirit.
If you've shut down recently, good! You're doing great! Breathe. Find the LITTLE things to smile at. Enjoy your own company and regroup. Don't worry about what other people are saying about you or thinking about you. That's their problem. If you are a mom, a dad or a hard worker...do what YOU need to do first so you can help others LATER without cracking your glass again.
If you know someone who has been going through a lot or hell, even if you don't know...pay attention. There are always signs. Whether someone wants you to know or not, that's not up to you. Reach out, say "thinking of you" but never push. If you ask them how they are doing and they answer "fine, can't complain" it's usually (not always) a front. Don't push. Tell a funny story that happened to you to make them laugh or just simply say, "I'm thinking of you regardless." That's it. That's all you have to do.
There is no rule book on these kind of things. Mental health is 90% over looked and disregarded as something that should be focused on. As humans, we get wrapped up in our own stuff and complain to the wrong people...the one's who can't help. We do this as a way to vent and get it off our chest, which is fine! It's fine as long as you know, they won't help. Instead, we bury it deep inside, become quiet and push through another day....that's NOT fine.
Speak up. Only when you are ready. Don't let others push you into anything you don't feel is healthy for your mind and if you feel that crack coming....
put that glass back in the cupboard.
Don't overuse your friends or family because, without you knowing...
they might be cracking too.
Love you all,
Take a breath as so am I & I'll be back to crafting in no time.
Sarah B
